Chassis Albuquerque

2019

Downtown Tokyo, New York - Things to do in Downtown? Well, you could get stabbed, see young mothers aged 14 and younger pushing prams or overhear loud arguments on mobile phones about who unfaithfully slept with who the night before. So, yeah, life here is: Tough, Dirty and - much like the cost of this book - cheap, real cheap.

Ealing Broadway ,42 and bankrupt and the consequence of highly dysfunctional, possibly criminally insane parents who insist he's adopted. 
Unfortunately, he's spent most of his money on: Booze, drugs and Eastern European prostitutes. 
Why...?
Well, for one thing, Eastern European prostitutes are a lot better educated than the local prostitutes from the West.
And now he's working for the Sundial Corporation answering customer’s lousy, bulls*it complaints. He's had enough, he's throwing in the towel the only way he knows how: Going up against Sundial Corp’s depraved, lunatic and billionaire CEO, Mason Shimansky.
If you gonna go, you had might as well go out fighting.

A funny, gritty biographical account of: Mistaken Identity, Adultery And Blackmail.

Short skirts have a way of making a man's mind wander. Short skirts are every where. He went to work and there were short skirts. He went to lunch and there were short skirts. He came home and there was incredibly sexy, but emotionally

aloof, Bobbi-Jean - in a short skirt. 
Directly, indirectly, probably, the

short skirt was responsible for so much already - wars, love affairs, famine, horrific art. And, as already mentioned, short skirts were every where...! Basically, this meant trouble, with a capital "T". And that's the last thing any guy needs: Trouble.

What follows is a litany of shady encounters with tricky landlady's, devious actresses, unhinged a-hole employers and, far, far worse: Lying, time-wasting degenerate customers. And that's before even taking into account the government, possibly rogue, operation to kidnap someone.

Lurid, uncompromising and hilarious, packed with literary lowlife misadventures comes "The Very Short Skirt & Other Problems" - Gritty, Funny - Definitely Different, "The Very Short Skirt & Other Problems" Is A Good, Old-Fashioned Funny Story Of Poverty, Love, Madness And Desperation...!

Way, way before Kojak, Columbo or Mike Hammer, way before any of these TV detectives were even a glint in their daddy's eyes, we had this guy: Detective Wolffe Gunstormer. Stereotypical in every way you can imagine, he's hard boiled , armed, violently disgruntled , he wears a trench coat and a proper fedora hat, not some fako TV prop.
Gunstormer's motto? The best way to get to the bottom of anything is always by force.
Or bribery.
Actually, whichever is easiest.

Anyhow, in between trying to solve some seriously important big dollar cases (the President’s missing golf ball, why men and women are biological different, the Colonel Sanders secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken), Gunstormer’s hired by a wealthy, seductive socialite to find out why people with high IQ’s are missing. 
Gone!
Poof...!
Without a trace.

Pretty soon Gunstormer realizes that at the centre of everything is an incredibly beautiful, but deadly foreign agent covertly on American soil who will stop at nothing to get what she wants: The complete and utter destruction of the Western World...!
Oh my god - again...???
Geez, enough already!
But there is one very important difference, and pay attention now, this highly trained, dangerous woman doesn’t wear any underwear - and Gunstormer kind of enjoys that sort of thing...! 

Digging deep as the bullets and one-liners fly and the bodies, women and their underwear pile up, soon it becomes one of the most dangerous cases Gunstormer’s ever had to crack.
And survive.
Someone's going to have to pay - why should it be him? 

In a world that can be devoid of inspiration comes a remarkably inexpensive - it’s only .99c - and witty volume of amusing quotations and scenes delivered straight to your phone.
In it you will find: Profound, elegant and often hilariously poignant quotes reflecting the range of the human condition and blah, blah, blah - look, let’s just get this out of the way, there are NO dirty pictures, okay…?

Now, where was I? Let’s see "...Quotes, inexpensive and witty, no dirty pictures, delivers to the phone..." - Ah…! Just Plain Funny Quotes - This Is Not A Poetry Book” book can be kept next to you on your desk (although it’s on your phone - duh, stupid, stupid, stupid e-book technology!) and, therefore, you can also keep it in your pocket or handbag or wherever for whenever you need: Wit, deep insight and just plain common sense quotes…!

Some of the quotes you’ll find inside:

It's been my sole experience: Life's the balance between one's expectations and the budget available. And I’m on a tight budget both financially and emotionally.”

I wouldn't say I hate my job and my life. But if I had to choose, we'll, it would be a pretty fine line and so indiscernible I easily wander over the border between the two and back again without ever being fully aware of the transgression.”

The only difference between being 18 and having nothing is being 41 and knowing I’ve nothing and trying to do something about it.

He said: “I have hundreds of thousands of dollars! Millions! How can you compete with that…!”
“I’ve nothing – how can you compete with that?” I said.

 

Quite a standard reaction, typically, when in a relationship, I become completely unreliable within a very short space of time.

 

"It Was Supposed To Be Free, But Amazon Said .99c Was Free Enough...!"

 

*And plenty more (this is not a quote from the book)…!


“Just Plain Funny Quotes - This Is Not A Poetry Book”

a collection of eleven lighthearted short stories that will make you laugh out loud.
Exploring the heart of the human condition - wait, you know what? I don’t know what that means. I’m going to look it up - hang on a second…



I looked it up. According to Wikipedia “The human condition” is “…a very broad topic which has been and continues to be pondered and analyzed from many perspectives, including those of religion, philosophy, history, art, literature, anthropology, psychology, and biology.”
That sounds like a lot of bullshit.
Whereas in “The Day I Met Charles Bukowski And Other Stories” a man travels back in time so that he can leave his wife. Another battles poor customer service demanding a non-existent product and that he knows doesn’t exist. While one man faces the terrible inconvenience of the end of the world.
There are other, funnier stories.
“Invoice S11034” explores the terse interaction that exists between employer-and-employees, while in “Lunch” the CIA plots against a writer they consider dangerous. And in “The Mars Uncertainty Principle” we explore being an astronaut - by qualifying for the NASA space program in an online course. 


“The Day I Met Charles Bukowski And Other Stories” - Short, funny and, much like my brother, Atigone Albuquerque, is ready and available...

Who’s Frank Bruce?
Exactly.
A sacked CIA accounts analyst wants to make it big - as a writer. 
Is this even possible? 
Well, there are worse things - Frank's wife for one thing, and working for the CIA for another. But the road to any chance of literary fame and success is marred by his hellish artistic lifestyle and Frank's main literary companion - cocaine. 
And the only thing he's more addicted to? Writing.
Desperate in his unrelenting pursuit, fueled by drugs and his life comically spiraling out of control, Frank meets a successful, but carefree author, who takes him under his wing. 
Together they try to ensure that they both hit rock-bottom - hard. 

Packed with wit and deliciously degenerate characters, “Letters From A Bum” is an uncompromising and savagely funny portrait of a life on the edge...!