Insert Chassis Albuquerque: Everyone's A Critic.

Everyone's A Critic.

It had begun grammatically, a disagreement over spelling the word "realise" (or "realize" as some spell it). Someone reacted to something I'd written, emphatically pointing out the word "realise" was spelt incorrectly.
In fact, what they said was: "Seriously? Mispelt twice?"
Of course they'd misspelt "mispelt" but I resisted the temptation to make any further judgement against this asshole - perhaps he was from the 3rd world where economising on spelling was as common as budgeting ones diet.
Of course, his observation was incorrect in itself as the word "realise" can be spelt either way. I'd taken the time to point out originally it was borrowed from the French "réaliser" (meaning to "make real"). The British spell it with an "s," and Americans with a "z" and, geographically - as Britain was closer to France - shouldn't they have the first option on how to spell shit?
It seemed logical.
Walking to work - picture this: A group of tattoos walking toward me. This looks bad. For one, it's the same guy from the grammatical dispute earlier and he's brought his friends, keen readers, too, apparently. Secondly, he has a pool cue and I think: "Oh man, looks these guys want to beat me the fuck up using that pool cue!"
Of course there were plenty of other words crossing the American-English divide they could've taken exception to. I figured I’d better say something, anything, before they got the jump on me - why should these badly home-tattooed fuckers get the better of me?
So I yelled at the group of tattoos, "Hey! Hey, you goddamn Nazi fuckers!" I say to this one with the cue. "Motherfucker! You looking to get a new tattoo on your face?" but he remained unphased.
"So, you think you some kind of genius, genius? You gotta see our point of view, people need to treat words with respect."
The other tattoos sniggered.
"Really? I think the English language should be treated with a bit more grammatical flexibility - for instance we have some small ground in common, I find it grammatically distressing when people are unable to distinguish between a dash and a hyphen (I also feel very strongly if people misuse the word ZERO when relaying a phone number and substitute it with the letter `O' but I don't go around beating people up with a pool cue. I hope you realise that?" I said with obvious emphasis on the word "realise". “I'm a teacher so I know what I'm talking about."
"A teacher of what?" Pool Cue wondered.
"I don't see how that's relevant," I said.
Then I threw up, a tactical decision on my part and didn't stop until they'd all taken off, disgusted, because let's face it, most people are. So, that's my advice when dealing with critics: Vomit on them. Some other advice: Never buy a house on the corner, all kinds of people, drunks and loudmouths and groups of socially inappropriate people will hang out there - it's tradition.”