Insert Chassis Albuquerque: The Asshole

28 July 2017

The Asshole

“I need this typed up and printed out. Make sure that asshole reads it."
“Which asshole?” she asked and I looked at her.
Burgman was alright. But just last week she’d got her goddamn head caught in the fax machine and Shimansky had had to call the fire brigade to extract her using hydraulic Jaws of Life.
“Jesus! I’m expecting an important fax, how much longer you people gonna be?” Shimansky yelled at Burgman (who was crying) and the firemen.
Stupidity was a default with her and I'd have been surprised if she ever superseded that setting. Shimansky set a certain minimum requirement for how much tolerable stupidity he could withstand and I’m pretty sure Burgman surpassed that requirement umpteen times every minute of every day but Shimansky just kept setting the bar lower and lower. I mean I could see why, she’d a beautifully shaped head, like an actor in the American fashion – can’t act, overpaid and under qualified but she sure had a pretty face! But she could actually type, accurate and fast, and sometimes in life that's all you needed to be, pretty and an exceptional typist. Let me tell you, for a guy like Shimansky who was all about detail a fast, accurate typist was probably like a blowjob.
So I was surprised when Burgman grabbed the memo and said, “I’m not a moron, you know, you’re all assholes to me!” and stormed (that's right, `stormed') from Shimansky’s office.