Insert Chassis Albuquerque: The Number.

27 March 2017

The Number.

"Hi. Is that God?"
There was a pause.
Surprisingly he thinks he recognises the voice on the other end – he should, of course.
Then a voice said: "Could be, who's asking?"
"Detective Gunstormer."
"Ah, Gunstormer - you are a persistent one. How'd you get this number?"
"We'll, God, you're a hard man to track down. But I found you, eventually."
"Was it the NSA, GCHQ?"
"What...?" Gunstormer said.
"You could've just said a few prayers," God said.
"You never answer."
"I'm always listening, though."
"Listen God, I've a couple of questions I'd like to ask."
"Well - I'm fairly busy, what's it in connection with?"
"A murder."
"A murder?" God scoffed and laughed. He didn't seem surprised. "What you wanna know, Detective...?"
"I just need to verify your whereabouts on the night of 5 June?"
"I guess I was where I was usually was - everywhere, I'm omnipotent, you know," he said.
"Yeah, you special that way. Thing is, I still need to know whereabouts you were that night exactly - can you verify where you were? Who you were with?"
"I'd prefer not to say, if you know what I mean," God said.
"I need a name, God, a place."
"Am I a suspect?" he wondered. Gunstormer thought about it, and thinking about it God definitely was a suspect, I mean have you noticed how the world was a mess religiously and at the centre of it all was always a God (in the interest of fairness and opportunity other religions are available and practically all have a God of some sort somewhere causing shit someplace). "If I am a suspect you have to inform me, mirandize me of my rights. There's a process."
"Yeah, that's a lot of movie shit," Gunstormer said dismissively. "So what's her name?" He grabbed a pencil.
"Who says she's a she? Yes, that's right, I love all creatures, great and small, I'm God and I love them all - equally."
"Well, one of God's creatures was found dead with her neck broken - a whore. Sound familiar?"
In school Gunstormer had been told that while it had been proved God wasn't centre of the universe he was the person responsible who'd made it that way and kept the planets spinning in fixed geo synchronous orbits.
As with most children, Gunstormer was taught there would always be an excuse For God.
Often at the sacrifice of logic and sound mathematical theory.
"I find it hard to believe you didn't just do this out of spite, how can you allow this? You're so goddamn responsible," Gunstormer said.
"Are you drunk, Detective? You've been drinking again. Man has such weakness for vice, you always have. I'm surprised sobriety found you for long enough to allow you to track me down."
"So you admitting you knew her?"
"Who?"
"The whore."
"God does not see whores, God sees only his children - and I know everyone."
"Listen, God, I've had a lot of experience at this job, I've been dong it a long, long time, I've seen shit!"
"I think we can agree I've been around longer than most, despite all your experience I've seen more shit," God said.
"I know what you are, there only two possibilities. One, you don't exist. Or two, you exist and you're a sociopath - and for the record my money's on the latter."
"Yeah? Well maybe if people cut me a little more slack and believed a little more the world wouldn't be so fucked up, so shit, Detective."
"People don't need to believe, they need help!"
"The world is beyond redemption, you are all responsible for yourselves now - autonomy, it never really featured in religion. You ever noticed that?"
"You killed her! You kill us all!" Gunstormer yelled.
"Her choice of employment killed her. You're full of conviction, arrest me."
"I don't want to arrest you, I want to find you. And when I find you, you're going to pay - for all of it. I'm going to stop you...!"
God hung up. Frankly this Gunstormer fellow was a little unbalanced, a little rough-handed and just a little trigger-happy, really liked to shoot things up.
He was good but unbalanced.
And the world needed a Gunstormer.
"For God so loved the world he gave his only Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life - Wolffe Gunstormer."
God smiled. He wondered how he'd even tracked down that number, a proper mystery, it didn't even exist officially...