Insert Chassis Albuquerque: It's Tough Being A Woman

11 March 2017

It's Tough Being A Woman

First let me apologise for the late posting, I've been preoccupied with the social networking site Facebook - you heard of it? If you haven't check it out here: https://www.facebook.com/ChassisAlbuquerquePage/. The Facebook site allows registered users to upload all kinds of shit -threats, very graphic violent images, stuff you should probably get locked up for and, if not, then at least for a period of observation by properly qualified mental practitioners; you can also keep in contact with family, friends and people you know and they may know.
And don't know.
Or you could just call round or give the people you know a call to say, "Hi."
Anyhow, it's owned by a guy called Mark Zuckerberg who's clearly into computers (so much so immediately this makes me suspicious, he may be a spy). Anyhow, I phoned Facebook to talk to Zuckerburg and at first I thought I was talking to him but then I realised the person I was speaking to was a woman and I said: "Look, I think there's been a misunderstanding, I want to speak to your boss, Mark? Is he your husband? I'm Chassis Albuquerque," I added.
"I'm afraid Mr Zuckerburg is unavailable," the person explained (I'm referring to the woman as "person" because - something I learnt through Facebook policy - this is considered non-sexist as woman are encouraged to be people, too, and not just a sex).
"Can you take a message?" I asked.
"I'm afraid not. Why don't you friend him on Facebook? Then you can private message him," the person said. Well, I thought about that for quite a while, but, you know, it just kinda stuck me, grammatically it made very little sense to "friend" someone.
"I think you mean befriend him? You can't friend someone but you can be their friend or make a friend."
"You can also like them," the person said helpfully.
"Sure. But I don't know him."
There was a long pause their end, a silence verging on being hostile. So eventually I said, "I've written a book, The Sundial Salesman, have you read it? Actually, if I'm honest, this is one of several I've written but my point is I want to market it on Mark's social networking site - I just need to ask a couple of questions about his RETURNS policy."
At this point it's necessary to digress and tell you that while exploring Facebook I'd realised it was so technologically advanced you could update your social status if you're marriage/relationship was breaking down and - even change your sex! Yeah, by updating your personal profile information, checking the "which" sex box you could change it.
So I changed mine, I checked the button, FEMALE, and wham! I was a female. Boy, what a rush! Hormones flooded my body, immediately I'd felt confrontational and like talking about my feelings all at the same time; also, I kept saying very stereotypical things like, "Men! Murderous wankers!" and generally became completely impossible to reason with myself because - as a woman - I was disposed to being generally unreasonable.
"I don't think you're taking me seriously," I told Facebook. “Don’t you know who I am, who you’re talking to? I'm the customer! The customer's always right, the customer is king!"
They said: “Times have changed, ma'am, the general customer profile is you're cheap, greedy and goddamn ignorant and are reluctant to pay for Facebook advertising."
"And that's your motto at Facebook, your customers are cheap, greedy and ignorant?
"Not officially but if I’m still alive after this debauched customer exchange I plan to buy myself a drink, try forget about you - quite difficult for me because I take these exchanges to heart."
"I wanna make a complaint! I want to speak to the manager!" I yelled.
"Me too, I wanna complain - your such a sad, sad person, who do I complain to, what recourse do I have?" the person said.
The situation concluded and the was line was dropped. I'm not saying they hung-up but I suspect this is highly likely. At least, it wouldn't be the first time someone had hung up on me, and thinking about it, the last time this had happened - which was yesterday - was with my father.
Quickly I re-established my true sex on Facebook clicking the "which" sex button.
But then I changed it back to FEMALE.
And then back to MALE again - so possibly some of those rabid female hormones were still kicking around in my goddamn system...