Insert Chassis Albuquerque: Never Talk To Strangers

3 February 2017

Never Talk To Strangers


"God is an existentialist clown!"
"I'm sorry - what did you say?" 
"You heard me! Don't fuck with me, lady...!" the woman yelled.
"Please, lower your voice a little, you'll alarm the other passengers. Now, what exactly is your problem?"
"Well, according to the voices in my head it's my duty to tell you flying as a mode of transport is not safe."
"I see, hold on a second..." the steward said and pressed a button. Almost immediately the captain appeared from behind the locked cockpit door.
"What seems to be the problem here?" he demanded.
"Captain, this passenger here believes there are voices in her head advising us against flying."
"Mmm, I don't recall seeing anything about this in the Operations Manual - you mean in general or this very flight specifically?"
"Let me check..." the passenger said. They waited. "This flight specifically, we're all going to pay with our lives for dreaming up this idea!" the woman said.
"I see. Where did you say you’re from?” the captain asked.
She shrugged her shoulders indifferently.
"Places," she said.
"What precisely is your worry, madam?"
"Well, it's not the flight so much as the descent into the surface of the earth?"
"I see," the captain said thoughtfully and escorted her off the plane, under armed guard; in fact, when security appeared they pretty much charged her down and then tied her up.
"What are you arresting me for?" she cried.
"You saying we need a reason? We're the police, we don't need any reason, we do what we want!" the police retorted and when she put up a fight they knocked her out with gas. All the passengers cheered and the captain returned to the cockpit.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We had a little bit of a situation up here in First Class but that's been resolved now and we'll be on our way shortly. As a side-note our cabin crew will be passing by you with beverages and treats for you to purchase and any ladies who'd like to join me up front in the cockpit please speak to one of the stewards..." 
"Thank fuck for that!" Albuquerque thought. What a massive asshole of inconvenience that would've been when he'd an important meeting to get to in Los Angeles, someone wanted to buy the film rights to his life story. "Hollywood here I come!" he thought.
He'd needed a break, the big financial crisis had had him by the balls for a while, writing wasn't paying what it used to, people were cutting back wherever they could and were willing to risk basic education.
"It's the history of peoples past behaviour that determines what they will do next," Albuquerque said to the passenger across the aisle.
"Tell me about it, a very plausible explanation" the man replied. He was the BBC's Split Personality Of The Year winner, Larry Enrico. "Take that woman they disembarked, it'll turn out she had some kind of disorder or something all along and wasn't supposed to be able to fly because her name's on a blacklist some place, " Larry was saying. He took a cigarette out, lit it and continued talking. 
"Oh Jesus, this is bad," Albuquerque thought to himself looking worriedly around for the stewards. "Gee, Larry, I don't think you can smoke on these planes," he said still looking around. Sure enough! One of the stewards was approaching.
"I'm sorry sir, there's absolutely no smoking allowed onboard," they said.
Larry looked around, surprised.
"You sure?" he said, suspicious.
"Sir, I'm not a scientist but we are flying at almost 900km/h in a highly pressurised, oxygen rich vessel 35,000 feet above the ground, so, yes, I'm pretty sure," the steward said.
"You hear this?" he said to Albuquerque.
"I don't want to get involved, I have a meeting," Albuquerque said.
"I see. So what you going to do, lady, call security, have me deboarded?"
"Larry, look let's all just be calm here and that sounds like a pretty believable explanation," Albuquerque said.
"Sir, please don't interfere, I am dealing with this situation and one of my colleagues will step in to assist if need be," the steward told Albuquerque. 
"It's just I have an important meeting in Hollywood and would really appreciate there be no further delays..." Albuquerque said appealing to Larry who was still smoking.
"Sir, this is the last time I'm going to ask you to please extinguish that cigarette - and I'm still being civil..." the steward said.
"What you going to do? We're flying at 900km/h in a highly pressurised, oxygen rich vessel at 35,000 feet, you going to throw me out? You believe this shit?" he said to Albuquerque. 
"I'd like to be moved to another seat!"  Albuquerque shouted at the steward unbuckling his safety harness.
"Sir! Remain in your seat until asked to move!"
Larry Enrico laughed in between taking drags on his cigarette and blowing the smoke in their faces.
"I think he's on cocaine!" Chassis Albuquerque told the steward. "Larry! Larry, for Christ's sake, these people aren't fucking around, I don't want them to turn the goddamn plane around - I've got a meeting...!"
Suddenly the steward karate-chopped Larry in the throat a real good one just like they do in the movies. Larry's cigarette spat out his mouth. Hands around his throat he appeared to be choking on his own cigarette smoke.
The passengers cheered.
"Sir! I warned you, you left me no choice...!" she was yelling and  and pressed a button. Almost immediately the captain appeared from behind the locked cockpit door half-dressed with only his shirt covering his underpants - Albuquerque caught sight of a near-naked passenger at the controls of the plane, she was wearing the captain’s pilot's hat.
 "Are we turning back? Are we...? Ah fuck no...!" Albuquerque was crying, trying to find the smouldering cigarette on the floor and extinguish it.
 "And what seems to be the problem here? Smoking! Well, I'm afraid we can't have that, this passenger has to be incarcerated immediately - we're going to have turn back. Betty-” the captain said to the woman in the cockpit.
“Nancy,” she corrected him.
“Nancy, vector us a new course home…” the captain told her.
"I don't know what that means..." she said.
Albuquerque stared out the window, Larry was laying on the floor holding his throat on top of his still-lit cigarette, he began smouldering.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. In a few minutes we're gonna turn this bird around and head back home all because of an inconsiderate passenger. As a side-note our cabin crew will be passing by with beverages and treats for purchase and any ladies who'd like to join me and the other lady up front in the cockpit please speak to one of the stewards..."