Insert Chassis Albuquerque: Lucozade And Other Theories...

26 February 2017

Lucozade And Other Theories...


I had a note from Albert yesterday, you know, Albert Einstein? He was complaining about the way the world was changing, how mankind only knew propensity for war or destruction or always some kind of situation which involved another losing.
And cheesecake. He maintained that since all his fancy theorems had come to fruition the taste of cheesecake had inevitably changed forever (this was another theory he was working on, The Dilution of Subatomic Particles, but never released).
It was a tragic situation, to see this great man with a very individual hairstyle, crumbling. It was soon after the war, I guess he felt depressed, we all did and I wasn’t even much of an accomplished mathematician. I was still working hard at trying to make a name for myself as a Futurist.
To be honest I didn’t even finish reading his letter, Einstein could be quite miserable generally even without a war occurring, you know, and I was stuck – well, maybe preoccupied is a better word – trying to convince the government World War III was imminent (okay, this was a lie, I'd no proof World War III was about to occur, it was more a paranoia). Still, I'd walk about the town in my monk's robe, my sign above my head: THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH! Locally I was gaining a lot of notice but no one from the government had so far paid any attention, I just didn't have the traction.
And, as I said, it was actually a lie, I didn't believe it myself. Anyhow, Einstein always suffered from poor judgement, I mean, that whole thing about him forewarning President Franklin D. Roosevelt the Germans would build a nuclear bomb and then, with that accomplishment, establish world domination with ease was a lot of nonsense. Leó Szilárd and Eugene Wigner, they were the ones to warn everyone what Germany might achieve, in fact, Leó Szilárd dictated a letter to Wigner and Albert simply signed it and that's what got the message out and the ball rolling so to speak.
But that was Albert for you, claiming credit when none was due.
"Networking," he'd told me in one letter. "One day you'll see, networking will be all the rage, people will network and make successes of themselves from nothing - that's a proper science!" he maintained.
Of course he'd written this in German, my second language. I am of course a Portuguese. You must be wondering how I came to know Einstein? Well, that's a story in itself. My mother, who was also a Portuguese, had a fondness for Lucozade sweets. My mother was a very attractive woman and Albert, trying to woo her, arranged for her to receive a lifetime supply of Lucozade sweets direct from Beechams, the British pharmaceutical company who owned the company, by writing them a letter (yes, this is a reoccurring theme with the man).
I still have that letter, I might auction it, there's big money in auctioning Einstein's stuff because it's so well catalogued and guarded; in fact, I might auction all of them in a few years time. That reminds me, Albert also said auctioning as a principle was going to be very big one day. Well, maybe someone dictated that idea to him, too...? We'll have to see, 
Anyway, Einstein secured that lifetime supply of Lucozade sweets for my mother. They'd just begun secretly dating (she was really one of his mistresses) but the relationship was cut short when she - choked on a Lucozade and died. It was a tragic situation, a lot of what happens usually is. Einstein's relationship with me was one borne purely from guilt and he ensured, rather tastelessly I felt, that I continued to receive the supply of Lucozade sweets which I still do.
And his absurd letters.
So I wrote him one:

Dear Albert, or Mr Einstein,

You may have come up with some impressive theorems which somehow managed to woo my mother. I, though, am not so easy - your days are numbered, please stop writing me your letters.

Regards,
Ricardo



That's not my real name, of course. Still, Einstein ignored my instructions and I had to consult a lawyer - can you believe it? And even then he continued writing me and the supply of Lucozade sweets continues unabated...