Insert Chassis Albuquerque: Career Summary - PART 2

21 February 2017

Career Summary - PART 2


1999 - 2001: This next period is possibly my most enjoyable period of employment. For three years I zip all over the city employed by the government in their human organ donor program, I am a courier in human body parts! What an exciting and different occupation, on 24 hour call, awaiting tragedy to strike.
Yes, ideally this is a job for a misanthropic, pessimistic cynic – I am grossly overqualified.
I enjoy the work, the ethic of “being of use”. I even live up to the “responsibility”, displaying a remarkable maturity and reigning in my social life I am home early. As a consequence I begin reading heavily again and as a consequence of that, writing. I have always kept notebooks of quotes, thoughts, ideas, facts. I know some big words like misanthrope, tautology, vituperative and predilection. I also know there’s a word in the dictionary called superannuated, it means to be too old to be useful.
What a thing to be!
I am so before my time!
But this employment has its disadvantages, too, and I resign due to circumstances. How I am forever picking up and collecting the pieces of somebody’s ruined, ended life. I am made morbid by the overwhelming reality that while some person may continue to live, a well planned for but completely unscheduled sacrifice has been made.
The irony is not lost on me: Even in death these people have at least achieved something. I am a courier of someone else’s gruesome achievement. Am I fated? Oh, I keep a weary eye open for Fate. Questions I’d pose: Fate, how come you dealt me such a heavy hand! And again the irony: A heavy hand of nothingness! But nobody ever recognises Fate – it wears a disguise for fear of recognition, a cap pulled low over its anonymous features because it likes to watch. Fate’s a voyeur, the world is its fetish.

2001 - 2003: I trawl the newspapers and apply for, in all, 117 different vacancies, presenting hugely exaggerated and entirely fictionalised job applications to employers and firms. I phone the Human Resource guys, I ask how the screening process is going and when can I expect a reply? And as I delve deeper each new prospect takes on new, fuller meaning. I do in-depth research, phoning and writing to various institutional boards for explanations of the various degrees and required qualifications, the length of study they typically require, which colleges, which universities and technical degrees are most suitable. I phone doctors, lawyers, teachers, managing directors so as to thicken up my already burgeoning Curriculum Vitae! Each application becomes a project in procrastination.

Unbelievably I am offered and except several different jobs over this time. I quickly realise it doesn’t matter if I am inept as a dermatological nurse or an Information technology programmer or the area man for the Health and Safety Advisor Head. I purposely leave a telltale growing amount of errors, mistakes and miscalculations, a trail I am happy to leave to leave me exposed. In fact, when suspecting imminent discovery I go out of my way to fuck up. No one actually ever said I was useless or questioned my credentials.
That would be unprofessional.
I’d say: “I’m not sure I made the right career choice,I’m not sure I fit in …” before announcing to the awkward, uncomfortable heavy silence, my intention to resign. Their faces always all registered the same look, one of relief!
All accepted my offer. Some, though, offered terms after several large and overly obvious mistakes on my part, two or three months salary if I left immediately. Sometimes I’d brazenly hold out for a month or two’s extra pay. In total I am employed for nine months in a total of 15 different types of employment and make more money during this period than I do in the next two years. The longest I'm employed is one month and three days (two weeks of which I was off “sick”).
But I quit it all, it’s no longer a challenge, lying and deceiving it’s not even funny anymore. I find it unfulfilling and feel the scheme’s become obsolete.

2003 - present: There is no real formal work interview for a vacancy in my current employment. I fill out an application form along with several other candidates and attach my work history. There is, however, surprisingly, a session with a councilor before employment commences. It later transpires my application – described by the Human Resources department as “… a resumé of mishaps and fuckups detailing a history of gross irresponsibility; but, offset by an underlying, nurturing potential that is, seemingly, dubiously adequate (if not colourful)” – was considered “original”.
Which is how I came to be working for the Post Office, and then when it was "privatised", for a multi-national parcel delivery package company.
Things in the Post Office happen very fast, people come and go - what else could you expect from a pool of semi-delinquent, authority defiant personalities other than a high turnover of varying employment? Still, I'm here...