Insert Chassis Albuquerque: The Italian-Korean

10 January 2017

The Italian-Korean

There was a white woman in the paper today claiming to be black when in fact she was clearly from Sheffield in the United Kingdom. Black people were furious and white people just said the white girl was crazy. Not because she wanted to be black - that would be racist, but because she was deluded and needed to be locked away some place for her own safety.
And others.
How had it effected her decisions? Her condition was probably pharmaceutical in nature,
maybe she’d become possessed. Alfonso didn't know what to make of it and believed she was suffering a catastrophic SYSTEM OVERLOAD. But still, he found the idea appealing.
“I’m going to be Korean!” he thought, though his Korean was fairly rudimentary, in fact, if we’re honest about it it was non-existent. And so Alfonso ingratiated himself in Korean culture and quickly learning Korean. One day the transformation was completed. At work(he was in Retail Sales) no one could understand what he was saying anymore, obviously pretending being from Korea this was to be expected. But the other staff didn’t know this, and, unable to communicate fluently in English Alfonso could only smile good-naturedly until a translator was located.
And, of course, that didn’t happen, translators cost money and Alfonso was just a sales guy, disposable.
Annyeong-hasimnikka (HELLO),” he greeted his colleagues but Human Resources called him in and, despite their encouragement he resume speaking English, they’d little choice other than to issue a warning for gross insubordination. Because it was in English it had might as well have been in Greek for all it meant to Alfonso.
Hangugeo-reul hasimnikka? (DO YOU SPEAK KOREAN?) Hwajangsiri eodiyeyo? (WHERE’S THE TOILET?”) Alfonso asked.
To make matters worse Alfonso insisted in his new native Korean language on his right to have a fair representation maintaining their policy for English-speaking only was discriminatory.
Human Resources issued a second warning that he should see a doctor and not return to work until medically cleared.
All this business also created a lot of tension with his family, after all he was raised in Wisconsin; he was 2nd generation Italian and had spoken English all his life - proof, he'd referred to his parents as Mama and Papa, very Italian.
“Why are you behaving this way! What about your job? How will you sell things, how will you make a living, how will you pay your bills!” his father yelled. His father had always lived in perpetual fear of been unable to pay the bills.
Cheoncheonhi malhae jusipsio (PLEASE SPEAK SLOWLY),”
“Why, Alfonso, why?” his mother pleaded with him.
Han gaji eon-eoneun chungbunhaji mos hae (ONE LANGUAGE IS NEVER ENOUGH),” he told them.
"These kids, they into so much shit these days," his father said, shaking his head.
"Maybe it's something to do with his taste in music and his higher brain function has deteriorated,” his mother speculated who’d read about such things.
Worried, his parents escorted him to a psychiatrist.
“Our son appears to have malfunctioned,” his father told the psychiatrist.
“Your son is transracial,” the doctor said.
“Nonsense!” his father said. “Alfonso likes ladies.”
“By transracial I mean your son’s able to identify with different ethnic races, effectively he is biracial.”
“His mother and I are both Italian,” his father said.
“It’s not unusual to have multiple identities, I really wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the psychiatrist said.
“He’s 32, frankly we are more than worried about it,” his mother said. “He won’t eat anything Italian any more, only Asian foods.”
“Can’t you put him away for a while, teach him a lesson?” his father wondered.
“I’m afraid that's impossible, this is America, people are encouraged to live how they want - medically, if he wants to be Korean, what’s the harm? People want to be firemen, presidents and so on, Alfonso wants to be a Korean.”
“What’s the harm! What if he suddenly decides he’s a North Korean!” his father yelled.
“Is he North Korean?” his mother wondered. They all looked at Alfonso. His mother grabbed her Korean/English phrase book.
“Alfonso,” she asked him, “are you North Korean?”
Jidosang-eseo gareucheo jusigessumnikka (CAN YOU SHOW ME ON A MAP?)” he replied.
“Holy Jesus!” his father said, “North Korean!”
His mother jabbed at a word in the translation book.
Alfonso! You North Korean?”
Aniyo (NO),” Alfonso said.
“Jesus!” his father said, relieved.
Byeonhosa-ege iyagihago sipseumnida (I WANT A LAWYER),” Alfonso told them.
“What?” his father asked his mother.
“I think he wants a lawyer,” his mother said, reading from her phrase book and looking at her son.
“Whatever gets the monkey closest to the top of the tree…” his father said.

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Dear Mr Alfonso,

Very nice to know you, we have seen of your recent desire to be Korean in the news and receive paperwork but application for Korean citizenship been denied. You free to appeal decision for review but will make no difference, clinical trials will prove you are WOP agent of North Korea; this not racist, just precaution.

Kind regards,

South Korea Consulate
455 North City Front Plaza Dr.
NBC Tower Suite 2700
Chicago

IL 60611