Insert Chassis Albuquerque: January 2017

31 January 2017

Burglars Have Feelings, Too.


The burglar can’t believe it, his latest victim seems unhampered by all the conveniences of modern living. He has satellite television and a television as big as a cinema screen, as flat as glass mounted across the wall in his living room. Whereas the burglar has a TV (from 1989) with only three channels.
The apartment owner’s Internet is superfast, super highspeed (the burglar performs a broadband download speed test with all his jobs as a matter of course).


28 January 2017

Space Drunk


It has being said that small changes affect big things, things in the universe, things at home, things between people. It’s about the spaces in between these things.
Space.
It’s out there.
And it’s big.
Yesterday a piece of space-junk fell from the sky and killed a woman in New Jersey. Space junk! It was actually a $50 million spy satellite we launched up there in 1978 called Night Watchman, with the Night Watchman program we could keep an eye on any countries communications which we’d done for years.


25 January 2017

Dinner


Twice my wife asked what was wrong.
“You look very pale - are you sick?”
“Oh nothing, I'm just having a routine breakdown.”
“Well, can you do it in the bedroom, please, we're expecting people for dinner.”


20 January 2017

The Man Who Shot Clint Eastwood


It was Friday. Ziploc was in the toilet updating himself whilst listening to The Girl From Ipanema on headphones. He dropped out several times during the process and each time he awoke, startled. It was called Electronic Neural Convulsion. The Girl From Ipanema could do that, or maybe it was because he had it playing on REPEAT: “Tall and tan and young and lovely, The girl from Ipanema goes walking and when she passes, each one she passes goes `ah'…
All just a normal day in South Vietnam. Problem is this wasn't South Vietnam, this was downtown Los Angeles, 2092.


17 January 2017

Ampersands and Spacing


Dear Mr Albuquerque,

My name is Gretchen von Liechtenstein, I am a student studying Literature at Berlin University. May I call you Chassis? I am wondering about your name - Chassis, the body of a car, and Albuquerque, a place in New Mexico, yes? It has fascinated me inappropriately for some time now. Also, I believe, I know what you might say or have already said when any of your readers have wondered, if they asked how you got your name you would reply in typical Albuquerque manner: “The usual way, my goddamn asshole parents gave it to me - do you not know how it works, this system of names that’s been around for millennia? Are you from another planet?”


10 January 2017

The Italian-Korean

There was a white woman in the paper today claiming to be black when in fact she was clearly from Sheffield in the United Kingdom. Black people were furious and white people just said the white girl was crazy. Not because she wanted to be black - that would be racist, but because she was deluded and needed to be locked away some place for her own safety.
And others.
How had it effected her decisions? Her condition was probably pharmaceutical in nature,


7 January 2017

The Mars Uncertainty Principle

They were on Mars, Astronaut 1 and Astronaut 2 (forthwith to be abbreviated A1 and A2 to save on data up-link time). Ever since the Chinese had landed on the moon the race for Mars and beyond was on. A2 radioed his colleague, "You think life exists on other planets? Copy.”
A1 replied, "Could be - but do you not see where we are? We are the life on other planets.”
Yes, there was earth's sun over there, burning bright, warming up the galaxy, light that was already millions of years old. Anyhow, regarding his colleague no matter what was said A1 was convinced A2 was a fucking idiot.


4 January 2017

Swinger CIA.

There was a bus.
It exploded.
Terrorist in nature, not foreign, religious or political, terrorist, home-grown - organic. Though we knew little about their motivation there was this note: NEXT TIME THE BUS WON'T BE EMPTY.
I made a rapid assessment (a `rapid' assessment's a lot like a slow assessment only it's a lot quicker). Clearly it was a threat but there were threats that arrived daily via phone, email, letter, once even a singing telegram (a very dapper, but ostentatious terrorist called Baby Lotion).