Insert Chassis Albuquerque: 2017

10 August 2017

Train Observations

I was on the train.
Further along a couple, engaged in morning ritual, arguing.
"Why aren’t you talking to me...?" the woman demanded.
The man tried explaining but she wouldn’t believe him and was insulted. Practically apoplectic she kept shouting angrily, "I can't hear a thing! Why aren't you saying anything! You’re talking but I can’t hear a thing you’re saying...!"
"I meant nothing by it, I was just listening to the engine of your thoughts missing a beat!" the man replied.


28 July 2017

The Asshole

“I need this typed up and printed out. Make sure that asshole reads it."
“Which asshole?” she asked and I looked at her.
Burgman was alright. But just last week she’d got her goddamn head caught in the fax machine and Shimansky had had to call the fire brigade to extract her using hydraulic Jaws of Life.


6 July 2017

You Gonna Make It...?

I'm sitting on a rain, sorry, that should read “I’m sitting on a train,” obviously a major plot difference. So, I’m sitting on a train heading for an interview with the BBC about up and coming writers, Indie writers in particular. They'd heard I was writing a 2nd book and were interested in how I was going to try sell it, even who was going to buy it.


21 June 2017


During the promotion of The Sundial Salesman recently I had the below disapointing response, that they wouldn't even go on a date with me, a slightly overweight, happily married, father of one and struggling writer.
So I checked out their facebook profile and, thankfully, can report the following - they must be a COMMUNIST!!!
And also available for dating...
Not the reaction I was looking for, but very funny and made me laugh anyhow...




14 June 2017

Served All day

I went to one of those places where they serve "BREAKFAST ALL DAY", as long as it was before 11am - what's with that? By the time the waitress appeared it was just past 11am and refused to take the order. We had a massive argument and she called the manager and she also refused the order. Pretty soon the owner wondered over to explain her policy: "Breakfast's served all day as long as it's before 11am - there's a sign stating this," she said, pointing. The three of them stared with that sense of majority women always seem to have. Goddamn typical of women to bond together when outnumbered by a man, as if by their solidarity alone it somehow added weight to their argument - it don't mean they right.
Although they were in this case.
So I had to leave, they threatened to call the police...


1 June 2017

Writing, Police And Making A Living...


It’s that time of the month, not in a menstrual sort way, that’s not what I mean at all. It’s just a saying like: “First Contact Will Be Our Last Contact” (a vague reference to the tagline from a new book shortly to be released). Anyhow, it's these small differences that widen the misunderstanding between us and I just wanted to clarify what I meant: I’m doing a new story post, which I hope to do monthly from now on. It’s also worth mentioning (apart from the tremendous amount of lying I do), generally I'm a very unqualified source or information so I'd double triple cross check everything I ever say, so please remember to keep that in mind.


21 April 2017

Grammatical Flexbility


When she said, "Hello, how are you?" I literally thought she'd meant how  I was. So I told her, everything…
It had begun grammatically, a disagreement over spelling the word "realise" (or "realize" as some spell it). Someone reacted to something I'd written, emphatically pointing out the word "realise" was spelt incorrectly. In fact, what they said was: "Seriously? Mispelt twice?"
Of course they'd misspelt "mispelt" but I resisted the temptation to make any judgement against this asshole - perhaps he was from the 3rd world where economising on spelling was as common as budgeting ones diet.


8 April 2017

More Doctors Smoke Camel Cigarettes Than Any Other Cigarette...



For the record: "The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."
Jay Leno




30 March 2017

'Human waste' in cans forces shutdown at Coca-Cola plant in Northern Ireland


By Claire O'Boyle
March 28 2017

 Police have launched an investigation after what appears to be human waste was found in a shipment of drinks cans at a Co Antrim factory.

The night shift at Lisburn's Coca-Cola plant was disrupted last week when a container of cans thought to have arrived from Germany clogged up the machines - only for workers to discover a number were filled with what looked like human waste.


28 March 2017

Sound Dating Advice or: How The Rise of Post-Feminism Has Allowed For Equality In Society.





Dating Etiquette - Never open the door for a woman on your first date. Bad move, pal. Let me explain: A long time ago women were dutifully impregnated and stared out the kitchen window while cooking or doing the dishes wondering about a different, better time - how would all those women who suffered then feel now if you were to open a door for them?


27 March 2017

The Number.

"Hi. Is that God?"
There was a pause.
Surprisingly he thinks he recognises the voice on the other end – he should, of course.
Then a voice said: "Could be, who's asking?"
"Detective Gunstormer."
"Ah, Gunstormer - you are a persistent one. How'd you get this number?"
"We'll, God, you're a hard man to track down. But I found you, eventually."


17 March 2017



All dead. Those guys in the photo there, they were great writers, guys who could make you laugh, and make you cry. All dead now, their last words? Hunter S Thompson left a note for his wife titled “Football Season Is Over “ before he shot himself. Allen Ginsberg said "Toodle-oo!" according to Ken Keysey, who was there when he died; Keysey himself died of complications, medical in nature, but nothing specific. F. Scott Fitzgerald was asked if he wanted anything and, just before he died, he said Hershey bars would be good enough for him. Things you should be aware of: There are no new stories, only new writers. Those guys in the photo - Bukowski, Thompson, Kerouac, Roth, Ginsberg, Keysey, Salinger, Fitzgerald - they already knew that. So time for someone new, someone who can make you laugh, and make you cry.





11 March 2017

It's Tough Being A Woman

First let me apologise for the late posting, I've been preoccupied with the social networking site Facebook - you heard of it? If you haven't check it out here: https://www.facebook.com/ChassisAlbuquerquePage/. The Facebook site allows registered users to upload all kinds of shit -threats, very graphic violent images, stuff you should probably get locked up for and, if not, then at least for a period of observation by properly qualified mental practitioners; you can also keep in contact with family, friends and people you know and they may know.


6 March 2017

3 March 2017

A minor writer, of minor standing


Dear Writer,

Thank you for your email and the material which we enjoyed reading.
Unfortunately, while there is definitely something there, we feel after some very careful, protracted consideration it's not exactly what we're looking for.
Thank you for letting us consider your work and, hey, all the best in the future...!

Kind regards,
Agent


26 February 2017

Lucozade And Other Theories...


I had a note from Albert yesterday, you know, Albert Einstein? He was complaining about the way the world was changing, how mankind only knew propensity for war or destruction or always some kind of situation which involved another losing.
And cheesecake. He maintained that since all his fancy theorems had come to fruition the taste of cheesecake had inevitably changed forever (this was another theory he was working on, The Dilution of Subatomic Particles, but never released).


21 February 2017

Career Summary - PART 2


1999 - 2001: This next period is possibly my most enjoyable period of employment. For three years I zip all over the city employed by the government in their human organ donor program, I am a courier in human body parts! What an exciting and different occupation, on 24 hour call, awaiting tragedy to strike.


9 February 2017

Career Summary - PART 1


1990 – 1992: I’m employed at a fast food restaurant, staff number SM020474. Training is vigorous, staff turnover high and many fall by the wayside. I learn the menu by rote and am promoted to FLOOR MANAGER, a nominal event. Later, demonstrating uncharacteristic initiative I identify an opportunity to embark upon a subtle, aggressive program of sabotage, though the reason for this eludes me.


3 February 2017

Never Talk To Strangers


"God is an existentialist clown!"
"I'm sorry - what did you say?" 
"You heard me! Don't fuck with me, lady...!" the woman yelled.
"Please, lower your voice a little, you'll alarm the other passengers. Now, what exactly is your problem?"
"Well, according to the voices in my head it's my duty to tell you flying as a mode of transport is not safe."
"I see, hold on a second..." the steward said and pressed a button. Almost immediately the captain appeared from behind the locked cockpit door.


31 January 2017

Burglars Have Feelings, Too.


The burglar can’t believe it, his latest victim seems unhampered by all the conveniences of modern living. He has satellite television and a television as big as a cinema screen, as flat as glass mounted across the wall in his living room. Whereas the burglar has a TV (from 1989) with only three channels.
The apartment owner’s Internet is superfast, super highspeed (the burglar performs a broadband download speed test with all his jobs as a matter of course).


28 January 2017

Space Drunk


It has being said that small changes affect big things, things in the universe, things at home, things between people. It’s about the spaces in between these things.
Space.
It’s out there.
And it’s big.
Yesterday a piece of space-junk fell from the sky and killed a woman in New Jersey. Space junk! It was actually a $50 million spy satellite we launched up there in 1978 called Night Watchman, with the Night Watchman program we could keep an eye on any countries communications which we’d done for years.


25 January 2017

Dinner


Twice my wife asked what was wrong.
“You look very pale - are you sick?”
“Oh nothing, I'm just having a routine breakdown.”
“Well, can you do it in the bedroom, please, we're expecting people for dinner.”


20 January 2017

The Man Who Shot Clint Eastwood


It was Friday. Ziploc was in the toilet updating himself whilst listening to The Girl From Ipanema on headphones. He dropped out several times during the process and each time he awoke, startled. It was called Electronic Neural Convulsion. The Girl From Ipanema could do that, or maybe it was because he had it playing on REPEAT: “Tall and tan and young and lovely, The girl from Ipanema goes walking and when she passes, each one she passes goes `ah'…
All just a normal day in South Vietnam. Problem is this wasn't South Vietnam, this was downtown Los Angeles, 2092.


17 January 2017

Ampersands and Spacing


Dear Mr Albuquerque,

My name is Gretchen von Liechtenstein, I am a student studying Literature at Berlin University. May I call you Chassis? I am wondering about your name - Chassis, the body of a car, and Albuquerque, a place in New Mexico, yes? It has fascinated me inappropriately for some time now. Also, I believe, I know what you might say or have already said when any of your readers have wondered, if they asked how you got your name you would reply in typical Albuquerque manner: “The usual way, my goddamn asshole parents gave it to me - do you not know how it works, this system of names that’s been around for millennia? Are you from another planet?”


10 January 2017

The Italian-Korean

There was a white woman in the paper today claiming to be black when in fact she was clearly from Sheffield in the United Kingdom. Black people were furious and white people just said the white girl was crazy. Not because she wanted to be black - that would be racist, but because she was deluded and needed to be locked away some place for her own safety.
And others.
How had it effected her decisions? Her condition was probably pharmaceutical in nature,


7 January 2017

The Mars Uncertainty Principle

They were on Mars, Astronaut 1 and Astronaut 2 (forthwith to be abbreviated A1 and A2 to save on data up-link time). Ever since the Chinese had landed on the moon the race for Mars and beyond was on. A2 radioed his colleague, "You think life exists on other planets? Copy.”
A1 replied, "Could be - but do you not see where we are? We are the life on other planets.”
Yes, there was earth's sun over there, burning bright, warming up the galaxy, light that was already millions of years old. Anyhow, regarding his colleague no matter what was said A1 was convinced A2 was a fucking idiot.


4 January 2017

Swinger CIA.

There was a bus.
It exploded.
Terrorist in nature, not foreign, religious or political, terrorist, home-grown - organic. Though we knew little about their motivation there was this note: NEXT TIME THE BUS WON'T BE EMPTY.
I made a rapid assessment (a `rapid' assessment's a lot like a slow assessment only it's a lot quicker). Clearly it was a threat but there were threats that arrived daily via phone, email, letter, once even a singing telegram (a very dapper, but ostentatious terrorist called Baby Lotion).