Insert Chassis Albuquerque: Actors & Assholes

25 November 2016

Actors & Assholes

There two kinds of assholes in this world, the kind you tolerate and the kind you don’t but I suspect between two assholes a woman would always most times choose the asshole with the most cash in the bank. Let me explain: She'd just returned from auditioning for a new movie by Holland Tiburg (you know, the guy who'd directed Arum Lily & the Kite? Tiburg, world-renowned for his craft and attention to detail).
"I met him!" she said; very curiously she seemed furious.
“You met Tiburg?” I said, incredulous.
 "I sure did - he wanted me to
go down on him!"
"Holy shit! That motherfucker!" Immediately I wanted to go down there myself, without a casting appointment, make my way through security and beat that asshole! "Why, this is the 21st century, I bet some women felt they had to say yes just to get the part! We should report him!"
Jesus! Can anyone be arrested for being such an asshole? Should they pass a law, legislate for just such things, make it a criminal offense you could be detained for being such an asshole?
But then most of the world's men would be behind bars serving life term sentences, without parole.
Then I noticed she'd gone pretty quiet, very suspicious.
"I got the part! I did it for us, it meant nothing, of course!" she insisted quickly. “Don’t worry, I mean, he filmed it, too, so I know everything’s legit.”
“Holy shit-fuck - Tiburg filmed it!”
“Of course, they had to make sure I’m right for the part. And I am! I’m going to be a star! Let’s order, I wanna celebrate...!” she said.
A star! A star is what’s in the sky and not on their goddamn hands and knees giving head to some asshole director! I thought. I tried put it out of my mind, I mean, she'd done it for us, right, and it had meant nothing even though I wasn't in the movie or receiving any kind of payment. Seemed to me it had meant something.
I imploded for a while and then went about my business but she, she was unrepentant, the look of San Francisco in her eyes, the sound of casual bigotry in her voice, “Tiburg said you’d react this way! Jesus! You’re so goddamn predictable – fascist! Why don’t you want what’s best for me! Oh my God, why didn’t I see this coming! You know where it all went pear-shaped?” she demanded.
Oh yeah, I knew, it was the day we'd met, it had just been raining and she'd looked so pretty all disheveled - the way her hair had clung wetly to her face and there was something about how her make-up ran down from the corners of her eyes trailing down her cheeks in thin, dirty black lines like the dissipating tail of a comet disappearing into the sky. It was like looking at a clown – I'd felt like laughing, though I'd had to look up a little as geometrically she was taller. We went to see a movie, had dinner, then, pleased with ourselves we fucked and she said we should get married. I pointed out it was only 10:45pm in the evening, we should wait until tomorrow – “No point acting rash, right?” I’d said which is when she'd said, "I'm an actress!" 
That’s where it had all gone wrong.
It was all very theatrical, her acting, Tiburg, even this celebratory dinner - I mean, what were we actually even celebrating, that she'd given that asshole a blow job?
"I think you'll find it's called a fellatio," she said defensively.
I always yell and gesture when imploding, even when whispering. So I'd whispered loudly into her ear across the table in the restaurant so everyone could hear: "I think you'll find what you did is called wrong! What the fuck's the matter with you!" and all the other diners had looked over at us; someone dropped their cutlery and it clanged! loudly on their empty plate onto the floor. Huh! Fucking actors! Goddamn actors, an actor's someone who understands completely the essence of what it is to lie – them believing the act of the lie is the affirmation, they're always playing a part, they have to believe it even if we don't - what was it someone once said about actors and acting?  

Acting is the paranoid hallucination everyone's participant in, the improvisation of the reality the wider public is in denial about.

Now I'm not too sure what that any of means but she was nothing but some fucked up little Shakespeare!
I’d never thought too much of her acting anyway, her dialogue was like a fight between a ballerina and a boxer, very tight and exciting, she’d clumsily slide her way through things. Truth is her body was probably a better actress than she was, an actor in the American fashion – can’t act, overpaid and under qualified but she sure had a hot-shit body!
"There's only one difference between being a fascist and an actress, one important difference - I didn’t suck some crumby director off!" I yelled.
She stood up to leave, then quickly looked back at me again and went viral, not around the world, what I mean is she spat in my face across the table. That’s just the type of girl she was, she didn’t mean anything by it, she just didn't like to hear the truth.
“I’m going to be a star!” she'd said determinedly.
Of course, I still see her occasionally – she is my wife after all. Yes, I've been married a number of times, don't be so shocked. And once was to her, Audrey Hepburn, in 1965 - well, I called Aubrey Hepburn but her real name was liar.