Insert Chassis Albuquerque: Lies, Love & All The Facts.

Lies, Love & All The Facts.

I'd noticed my girlfriend – who’s turned out to be genius at proving me wrong - often said things I’d regret. It was her idea, this writing business, which is not as simple as it seems. Her idea was:

I wasn't to look for employment with a regular, dependable paycheque every month, no, I was to be a goddamn writer

Because being a writer means you really want to limit all opportunities available and try capitalise on every opportunity not to provide any income for yourelf.
"Writing? What are you – crazy? You're no help at all!" I'd yelled at her hysterically.

"Please don't talk that way, I'm not crazy," she said.
But she was, bat-shit crazy - bats have had to stomach a bad reputation and she'd really fully deserved this one. Writing! People have no idea how difficult it is, how traumatic. At first I thought I was going to die.
Later I became convinced and felt every word was suicide! Let me tell you, at first a goddamn blank, empty page is a pretty big space, I mean an entire empty space? Space is the world's largest outdoor area in all the solar systems! Writing, real writing involves a lot of looking up, a lot of looking out the window, a lot of going for walks, a lot of making sure everything else has been done, a lot of speaking to people - on the phone, electronically – a lot of lying around (in a hammock outside strung between two trees in the shade preferably. And not here, on an island someplace), just generally a lot of examining things for long periods of time unnecessarily. All of which is very difficult as we writers don’t enjoy distraction from the business of writing.
 So I couldn't risk writing, I'd like to put the idea as far away as possible from me, “The more distance between it and I, the better!” I yelled.
“But you’re such a liar,” my girlfriend had said, obviously referring to recent reports of suspicious activity in the area I was having an affair. This was true. It’s also true I just wasn't cut out for such precision work as the truth, I was a real professional liar, too, I excelled, I tried be creatively accurate. What does that mean? It means I began trimming the truth just to get through the day, it means whilst I research the facts I will often lie about them - I write because no one believes what I say. Let me give you an example, just the other day it was unseasonably cold, so cold it started snowing in the new 2nd hand car I’d just bought. Of course no one believed me, not even the car dealership where I’d bought it, they were the very last people to want to believe me and thought I was trying to con them. I tried explaining the car wouldn't even start properly and now it was snowing! I didn't want my money back, I wanted the weather to improve – all round and definitely in the car.
“I think it’s the climate control system,” I explained.
“Oh yeah? Fuck off,” the salesman had said and hung up. That’s what my girlfriend had said, too. One of us had overstepped the mark, it was quite offensive by how far. She felt it up to her to let me know by how much and raising her eyebrows and freshly made allegations I was unfaithful, selecting some advice she gave it out: “Fuck off!"

A few minutes of slow tirade becomes the dead weight of one long, dangerous harangue, she really knew how to diminish a man's will to live. We both adjusted ourselves accordingly. I tried explaining about the freak meteorological snowstorm in the car, the suspected damaged climate control system but she’d just shrugged her shoulders uninterestedly, pulling on the zipper of her sweater like she was zipping up a dead body in a body-bag on the way to the morgue.
"And that's your professional opinion on the matter - as an adulterer?" she said, resolved to lean forward and leave the following morning into a new day, a new life. Is there any way of challenging her statement as I believe it to be false? No. Why? Because even I support her assertions.
To be honest I really didn't care, you know, it was the hypocrisy of having to be a man and then pretending to care or give a shit?
Do you know? Maybe you don’t.
So some advice, be as accurate as possible when you're lying, aim to strike balance between meaningful influence and an impossible verification of all the facts.